Ever felt like it’s a contradiction between what goes on outside of you and what goes on inside of you. In a strange way, this has all chosen to hit me on this cold winter/autumn (I have no idea of the season I am in now except that its real rainy and cold) night even though I had taken a cold pill, which was supposed to knock me out like a baby. It is not the cold that is bothering me, the only big qualm I have about it is that it keeps me indoors and hence lays me easy prey to the guilty snacking that I have been indulging in. What prompts me to suddenly on the laptop and share my deepest feelings on such a public arena as a blog I dun really know but I guess this is because I know that the only people that I care about reading this are my this group of special friends and that it did not matter if they saw these cos they know who I am almost through and through and will never judge me for what I feel but instead just allow me to share my inner most thoughts.

Ever since I have been here, I have done things perfectly almost to a brink of eeriness that the fall will be a hard and sound one. For some strange unfathomed reason, everything I did socially was worthy of praise from the people around me. My first presentation went brilliant, I was the only Chinese girl who went out on Friday nights and fitted in, I look great and probably turned a few heads and know that guys in my class wanted to talk to me, I am interesting and interested in classes, people, and hell I even got attention from my basketball game scoring a few times and impressing the guys and gals who kept telling me how good I was. I was so confused by all these that I almost wanted to go to church today because it seems so surreal the way everything fell in place but yet I never felt so detached from the God that has given me much guidance in pretty much a tough time of my life but has now grown so impersonal that I feel a gaping hole somewhere more spiritually. Pardon me for speaking of such things cos I know some of us may not like it but I wanted to be candid here.

Anyway I think there is a bigger problem and that is of the last week before I left for colder pastures here in Rotterdam; the week where perhaps things have been gone and packed away in our heads but also the week that I felt the loniest and most miserable compared to I dun noe when else. This was also the week that I met this guy and how no one probably knew or saw it coming because it pretty much happened between the two of us. And the thing is how it is all in my heart not going to work out because in my head and heart I thank him for being the kind and loving person that he is but that there is something more that I need and want that I cannot fathom anyone to be able to fulfill that. That is selfish isn't it to expect someone to fulfill something for you, and this is very strange because what I really needed someone to fulfill is to make me love the person beyond myself. It is very not easy to be loved but as I have found even more difficult to love.